Seek Not to Counsel the Lord
My husband will be the first to tell you, I totally counsel the Lord, all the time. I tell the Lord, "Stop making it so cold!" "Why does wind exist? It is totally unnecessary!" "Why didn't you prevent this day from falling apart! I'm doing my part to keep things together! Can't you do your part!" These are more comical moments and most of the time I am half kidding. And then there are other times... darker times, in the quiet, alone, where I am in bitter sorrow trying to understand why God allowed or allows some things to happen to me.
"Why did you allow me to be molested as a child? I was a child. Why would you allow a child to go through that. It makes it really hard to trust you since you allowed that to happen to me. Just look at all the stuff I did in trying to cope with that trauma. I wouldn't have done a majority of my sins if I hadn't gone through that. You failed me."
"Why can't I get pregnant but other women can. Women who smoke, drink, do drugs and don't want kids get pregnant but not me. There are women who yell at and abuse their kids, but you won't send any children to me. What am I doing wrong in my life? Why are you punishing me? Am I cursed? You have things backwards. You clearly don't know what you are doing. "
Yes. Those are the dark moments. We all have them.
We have all been in those spaces where we are hurt, confused, and questioning and seeking to counsel the Lord. The way I have gotten through those dark moment is humility. I have to have the humility to ask God what the purpose is, and what I meant to gain from the trial.
With my depression and trauma, God taught me that without those things, I would not have learned to rely on him and his power. My depression and my trauma has brought me to my knees and I have had to reach for God's power because I was so weak.
Having my heart broken again and again by many trials has taught me to seek and rely on the healing power of Jesus Christ. Only he has the power to make my heart new.
All of the trials I have been through and the trials I am going through and the trials I have yet to go through are shaping me, shaping my character to become more like Christ. My character is changing. I am becoming more patient, more humble, more compassionate and meek. I am learning to rely upon God instead of relying on my own wisdom and strength. I am learning to turn to God in my joy and in all my sorrows. I am learning to seek to know God's will and to humbly accept it. I am learning to teach my heart to desire only what God wants and to let go of everything else, even when it hurts. I am learning to find joy even in the midst of heart ache. I am learning to keep my heart open even though it has been broken. I am learning that I don't know everything and I don't understand all things, but I know he has a plan. I am a painting in God's hands. He knows what he needs to do to make me into the person he needs me to be. The trials I go through are shaping me into an instrument in God's hands.
I still catch myself counseling the Lord, but more often than not, I pray to submit to know what his will is and to obey. Lately I find myself saying, "I put my life in your hands, whatever you want me to be, I will be. Whatever you want me to say, I will say. Wherever you want me to go, I will go."
It is hard to submit to essential trials that shape character, but it is essential.